There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.
The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!"
The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!"
And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad?
How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"
A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ' cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
"For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us."
"And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A kid is walking around his house when he sees his dad watching a football game. The team his dad wants to win is losing, so out of anger, he yells, "C'MON YOU BASTARDS, JUST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN!!"
The kid doesn't know what bastards are, so he says, "Daddy, what does bastards mean?"
His dad didn't want to admit to his son that he had cursed, so he said, "Umm, it means, umm, uh, boys. Yeah, it means boys.
Then he walks into the room across the hall and sees his mom watching women's basketball. His mom's team is losing, so she says, "C'MON YOU BITCHES, JUST SCORE A BASKET!!"
The kid doesn't know what that means either, so he says, "Mommy, what does bitches mean?"
The mom says, "Umm, it means, umm, uh, girls. Yeah, that's what it means, girls."
So the next day, the kid's dad walks in from work and puts his coat on a coat rack. Because of his stupidity, the kid's dad pokes his eye on the coat rack and yells, "OH DICK!!"
The kid comes up to his dad and says, "Daddy, what does dick mean?"
The dad says, It means, umm, uh, coat. Yeah, it means coat.
So then the kid walks into the kitchen where his mom is painting. She accidentally leans over her painting too far, and her hat falls off her head and gets smothered with paint. She yells, "OH PUSSY!!"
The kid says, "Mommy, what does pussy mean?"
The mom says, "umm, it means, uhh, umm, hat. Yeah, that's what it means, hat."
So then, the kid walks upstairs to his parents room, where his dad is taking a shower. But his dad accidentally slips on a bar of soap and yells, "OH SCREW!!"
The kid walks up to him and says, "Daddy, what does screw mean?"
The dad says, "Umm, uh, it means, uhh, cleaning. Yeah, cleaning."
So then he walks downstairs and sees his mom cutting turkey for dinner that night. She accidentally cuts herself and yells, "OH FUCK!!"
The kid says, "Mommy, what does fuck mean?"
His mom says, "It means, umm, uh, cutting. Yeah, cutting."
So then some friends come over for dinner. The kid opens the door and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and pussys? If you'd like to see my parents, my dad is upstairs screwing himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach.
“I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. “Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?” The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.
“Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests. “Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test,” the doctor said.
The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, “Are you alright?”
“No” the old man said. “This just isn’t going to work.” he dejectedly explained. “There’s no hope for me, I’ve worn out my left hand, I’ve worn out my right hand, I’ve run cold water over it, and I’ve run hot water over it. I’ve even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!”
Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman.
"Yeah," his buddy replied," she's gorgeous."
"Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from
"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"
"If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation.
If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you.
And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."
"Sounds perfect."
"l almost got hurt once, though."
"How?"
"Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener."
A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because
the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal. ""That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.
The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."
The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"
The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."
The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
One day there were three astronauts a blonde, brunnete, and a redhead eating out at Sonic.
The brunette said, "Hey you guys we were the first ones in outer space we should be proud of that," and they said, "Yeah, yeah we are."
Then they start to eat again when the redhead says "Hey you guys we were the first people on the moon we should be proud of that too." They said, "Yeah, yeah we are."
The blonde starts thinking and about one hour later she says, "You guys, you know how we were the first one in outer space and the first ones on the moon?" They said, "Yeah, so?"
"So," the blonde said, "We should be the first ones on the sun too."
The redhead says, "You crazy idiot, if we got within a 100 mile radius of the sun we would burn up and die."
The blonde replies, "You are the crazy idiot, we wouldn't go during the day. We would go at night."
Seorang bos masuk ke opis dalam keadaan sakit kepala. Seorang staf memerhati keadaan bos nye, lalu bertanya,
"Kenapa bos? Nampak macam sakit jer.?"
"Yer la Semaun, kepala aku ni sakit sangat!" kata bos.
"Dua hari lepas saya pun sakit kepala jugak bos, tapi bila balik, isteri saya bawa ke katil, peluk dan mencium saya. Lepas itu kami melakukan seks. Habis saja kami bercumbu, sakit kepala terus hilang. Saya rasa bos pun patut buat macam tu jugak la?", terang Semaun.
"Betul ker? Kalau macam tu, mari kita jumpa isteri ngko sekarang!!!
Kak Midah ni dok meniaga nasi dekat kedai berhampiran. Jadi hari-harilah dia beli ayam dari Sudin. Disebabkan dah setiap hari dok main dengan ayam, sampai Kak Midah dah kenal jenis-jenis ayam sebelum disembelih.
Antara ayam yang selalu dipilih oleh Kak Midah ialah ayam dari Bangi dan ayam dari Perlis. Selalunya ayam dari Bangi lah yang menjadi pilihan Kak Midah. Kalau tidak dia akan beli ayam dari Perlis sahaja. Kalau tak ada lansung dia tak akan beli ayam lain.
Kelebihan yang ada pada Kak Midah ialah dia boleh kenal samada ayam tu dari Bangi atau Perlis ialah dengan membelek punggung ayam tu. Selalunya Sudin akan campur semua ayam yang sampai dalam satu tempat. Jadi jenuhlah Kak Midah dok belek sekor-sekor nak cari ayam Bangi atau ayam Perlis.
Mula-mula Sudin tak kisah sangat dengan Kak Midah. Tapi lama-lama Sudin dah mula boring. Sebab Kak Midah ni customer tetap, Sudin pendam je bengang dia. Satu hari Kak Midah datang macam biasa dan terus belek punggung ayam nak cari ayam Bangi. Habis semua ayam dibeleknya. Tak ada satu pun ayam Bangi atau ayam Perlis.
Jadi Kak Midah pun panggil Sudin dan tanya,
Kak Midah : Din! Ayam Bangi tak ada ke ?.
Sudin : Tu ada dalam tu. (Yang sebenarnya tak ada sebab lori ayam Bangi terbalik dekat Tanjung Malim)
Kak Midah : Hang toksah dok bohong. Kak Midah dah tengok dah, semua ayam dari tempat lain.
Sudin : Ayam Perlis ada. (Yang sebenarnya pun tak ada sebab lori rosak dekat Nibong Tebal).
Kak Midah : Hang ni, Kak Midah kata tak dak, tak dak la. Hang ingat Kak Midah tak kenai ke ayam-ayam tu. Bukan sehari dua Kak Midah dok main dengan ayam.
Sudin : Kak Midah ni memang teror lah, punggong ayam pun dia boleh kenal.
Kak Midah : Baru hang tau siapa Kak Midah. Pakar tengok punggong ayam. (Lalu blah sambil tersenyum walau pun tak dapat ayam hari itu)
Kemudian sampailah nak dekat Hari Raya.
Kak Midah macam biasalah nak belek punggong ayam. Sudin tengok Kak Midah, bengang je rasa macam nak bertempik dekat Kak Midah sebab orang terlalu ramai dan sesak pada masa tu. Kak Midah perasan yang Sudin memang bengang kat dia. Sambil Sudin dok bersihkan ayam Kak Midah, Kak Midah
Kak Midah : Din! Tak balik raya ke tahun ni.
Sudin : Tak!!! (Bengang)
Kak Midah : Famili ada kat sini ke ?.
Sudin : Tak dak!!
Kak Midah : Habih tu raya dengan siapa ? .
Sudin : Raya sorang-sorang.
Kak Midah : Kalau Din tak balik kampung mai lah rumah Kak Midah.
Sudin : Tak pa lah, terima kasih je lah.
Kak Midah : Dah lama kita kenal, kak tak tau pun kampung Din. Kampung Din kat mana?
Sudin : (Diam)(Buat tak dengar)
Kak Midah : Kak tanya ni, kampung Din kat mana ?.
Sudin : (Masih diam) (Tiba-tiba Sudin naik atas meja lalu membuka seluar dan menonggeng ke arah Kak Midah sambil berkata.....). Kalau Kak Midah teror
Kak Midah : (Ambil ayam dia dan terus blah)
Kambing dan ayam adalah kawan baik. Mereka berkawan sejak mereka baru dilahirkan lagi. Pada suatu hari,ayam telah menghiaskan dirinya dengan menyangkut manik-manik yang berkilauan pada setiap helaian bulunya. Tajinya diasah sehingga berkilauan dan berjalanlah ia menuju ke kediaman kambing. Tiba di kediaman kambing, ayam pun menyapa sahabatnya itu.
Ayam: Kambing, pekabo?
Kambing: Baik. Wah,ayam. Bukan main lagi kau. Kau nak ke mana hensem-hensem ni.
Ayam: Takde ke mana. Sesajalah nak tengok riaksi engko.
Kambing: Tapi
Ayam: Ko kutuk aku ye. Ko pun apa kurangnya.
Kambing: Apa?
Ayam: Nampak macam alim. Bela janggut. Tapi telur nampak...
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 fruits of the same kind. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king" I brought 10 apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second man arrives and shows the king his 10 fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.. on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, and therefore was also killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked" why did you laugh, you almost got away with it".
The second one replied "I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy brought . . . watermelons."
A son asks his father, “What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.” The father thinks a little and says, “OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Lets say that Im a capitalist because Im the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?” The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I dont know, but Ill think about what you said.”
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brothers crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parents bedroom and found his fathers side of the bed empty and his mother wouldnt wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.” “Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?” The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the futures full of crap
Tiga lelaki, seorang ahli falsafah.. seorang pakar matematik dan seorang pelawak ditangkap
atas kesalahan mengendap itik buat projek…
Lalu hakim berkata..
“kamu boleh menanyakan satu soalan kepada ku.. kalau aku dapat menjawab.. kamu akan ditahan
di penjara.. tapi kalau aku tidak dapat menjawab… kamu akan dibebaskan..
Ahli Falsafah mula berkata..
“Saya mahukan Yang Arif membawa sebuah buku falsafah yang lengkap dari Socrates.. Jika Yang
Arif berjaya membawanya.. saya rela dihukum…”.
Lalu Hakim mengarahkan pekerjanya pergi mencari buku yang diperkatakan.. lalu buku itu di
berikan kepada ahli falsafah untuk di sahkan…
“Ya benar sekali ini lah bukunya yang Arif…”
Lalu Ahli Falsafah dipenjarakan…
Kemudian giliran pakar matematik mengajukan pertanyaan…
“Cuba jawab 1253*254-45557+(5454*25451) dalam masa 5 saat..”.
Sambil menekan kalkulator dengan pantas.. Hakim memberikan jawapannya.. dan ternyata tepat..
Lalu Pakar Matematik pun dipenjarakan..
Giliran terakhir pergi kepada pelawak..
“Berikan saya sebuah kerusi yang mempunyai 7 lubang ditempat duduknya!”. kata si pelawak..
Apabila kerusi disediakan.. pelawak itu duduk dan tiba-tiba melepaskan kentut yang kuat..
Lalu dia berdiri dan bertanya kepada Hakim..
“Yang Ariff.. dari lubang mana kentut saya tadi keluar?”
Setelah membelek kerusi dan melihat lubang yang berada tepat dibawah punggung si pelawak tadi..
hakim berkata…
“Kentut mu keluar dari lobang yang ketiga dari sebelah kanan ini..”.
“Salah!!!” Sebenarnya kentut saya dari lubang punggungku ini !!!”.
Pelawak itu kemudian dibebaskan.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
