How old

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

NIce Bike

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Fantasi

Seorang Nurse, Ratna menahan teksi. Sedang dalam perjalanan... Pemandu teksi iaitu Feddy asyik memerhati Nurse itu melalui cermin tengahnya..Merasa kehairanan... Nurse itu bertanya...

Encik.. kenapa encik melihat saya begitu ??

Feddy tersenyum malu dan berkata...
Sebenarnya... saya selalu berfantasi....maaf ya... saya sangat ingin mencium seorang Nurse...

Oh begitu!! tak der masalah... encik boleh mencium saya.. kalau itu memang memberikan ketenangan buat encik... tapi saya ada syarat iaitu encik mesti masih single kata Nurse...

Feddy gembira dan berkata...
iya...iya, saya masih single.

Kemudian teksi itu diberhentikan di jalan sepi... Feddy terus mencium nurse itu selama 10 minit... kemudian mereka pun meneruskan perjalanan kembali.

Tapi feddy menangis teresak-esak sambil berkata...

Maafkan saya cik... saya merasa bersalah... sebenarnya saya sudah berkahwin.

Mendengar penerangan itu Ratna tersenyum bijak dan berkata...

Sudahlah encik... tidak ada apa-apa yang perlu di bimbangkan... Saya juga bersalah. Saya juga bukanlah seorang Nurse... saya adalah seorang Mak Nyah yang kebetulan dalam perjalanan menuju ke pesta pakaian beragam


Lawakjenaka.com

Berus Gigi

Pada suatu pagi yang agak2 indahle, seorg ayah@abah@bapa memanggil anaknya , si bapa tu tanya kat anak dia kalau man marah kat ayah , man wat apa ? ,lalu si anak tu menjawab man akan cuci jamban ... dengan perasaan yang nak tau sesangat lalu die tanya lagi, knape plak man cuci jamban? ...man 2 pun jawab le dgn selamba sebab man cuci jamban pakai berus gigi ayah yg dah hmpir 5 thn ayah gune..


lawakjenaka.com

Breakfast

Kisah ni terjadi kat sebuah restoran yg agak ekslusif. 4 orang mamat nak order fevret fud memasing..

waitress: Order pleasee...

Sulaiman: gv me briyani rice..

Kamarulzaman: i want chinese fried rice..

Affendy: bagie aku chicken rice

Yaacob: Aku nak Kampong Fried rice..

waitress: Ok sir.. and you?

mustafakamal: arr.. err..GIVE ME .. RICE COOKER!!

Lawakjenaka.com

kain Tersepit

Sorang husband balik dari outstation dgn mata lebam kiri dan kanan.. Bila bini
dia tanya, katanya masa kat escalator airport, sorang awek cun berskirt di
depan dia. Elok je depan mata dia, skirt awek tu tersepit gak kat celah ponggong
dia, so, dengan baik atinya, dia tarik le . so, awek tu bengang, terus tumbok
dia

Debuk lebam nombo 1 kat mata kanan. Dalam ati dia kata mungkin awek ni
marah sbab aku tarik kain dia tadi so, dia pun tolak le balik kain tu
masuk dan seterusnya debuk untuk lebam ke2 di mata kiri

Kesian kan? dan lepas husband ni abis bercerita, idung dia plak berdarah dan
patah kerana ditumbok oleh bini dia sebab baru tau laki dia menggatal.

Lawak Jenaka.com

The young business man

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Airplane ride

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Chicken bone

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in Newfoundland. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Buford and Buck 2 redneck boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

Last day present

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Emergency appoitment

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in.

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

Girl Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Nama orang jepun

01. Yang pemarah - KEiJI CACIMAKI
02. Yang suka berjimat - SAYORI SUKAMURA
03. Yang bisu - KIETA TADASORA
04. Yang suka makan nasi - NANACHi KASIBANYA
05. Yang suka layan blues - APO NADIKATO
06. Yang suka belajar - ASHIKO ULANGKAJI
07. Yang kerap bikin kacau - WAKASI HURUHARA
08. Yang sangat kedekut - MATIMATI TAMOKASI
09. Yang suka sangat tidur - ICHIBAN TIDOMATI
10. Yang suka mengintai - HINTAI AKOSUKA
11. Yang tua - TARAGIGI PADANMUKA
12. Yang kena tinggal bini - SUSAHATI BINILARI
13. Yang suka merempit - SAJA CARIMATI
14. Yang suka BERSUMPAH - SAIIFOO BAUKARI
15. Yang Lembab - AYUMI SIPUTBABI
16. Yang suka tidur - ASHIKO MEMBUTO
17. Yang suka cari pasal -KAKIYO GADUHO
18. Yang suka mengumpat - YASUKO MENGATO
19. Yang suka senyum sinis kat orang -SEIYUMO BAUKAMBINO

Dad's Fat

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom says, "Why?!?"

And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Fingers

Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven’t got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s years 2000. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn’t pick ’em up."

---

Medical checkup

A man hasn’t been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I’m afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left."

"Oh, that’s terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

Breast Exposed

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn’t believe it. The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the supervisor yelled.

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It’s those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they’re through using it!"

---

Hearing Test

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

Migraine Headaches

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience."

"When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have intercourse with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years, and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I’m glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

Sex trouble

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We’re having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I’m not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."

The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don’t seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can’t give you any suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren’t having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can’t afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."

Scared Sleeping

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

3 babies talking.

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.

The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!"

The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!"

And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad?
How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

Smart kids

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ' cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

"For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us."

"And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Be Careful What You Teach Your Kids

A kid is walking around his house when he sees his dad watching a football game. The team his dad wants to win is losing, so out of anger, he yells, "C'MON YOU BASTARDS, JUST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN!!"
The kid doesn't know what bastards are, so he says, "Daddy, what does bastards mean?"

His dad didn't want to admit to his son that he had cursed, so he said, "Umm, it means, umm, uh, boys. Yeah, it means boys.

Then he walks into the room across the hall and sees his mom watching women's basketball. His mom's team is losing, so she says, "C'MON YOU BITCHES, JUST SCORE A BASKET!!"

The kid doesn't know what that means either, so he says, "Mommy, what does bitches mean?"

The mom says, "Umm, it means, umm, uh, girls. Yeah, that's what it means, girls."

So the next day, the kid's dad walks in from work and puts his coat on a coat rack. Because of his stupidity, the kid's dad pokes his eye on the coat rack and yells, "OH DICK!!"

The kid comes up to his dad and says, "Daddy, what does dick mean?"

The dad says, It means, umm, uh, coat. Yeah, it means coat.

So then the kid walks into the kitchen where his mom is painting. She accidentally leans over her painting too far, and her hat falls off her head and gets smothered with paint. She yells, "OH PUSSY!!"

The kid says, "Mommy, what does pussy mean?"

The mom says, "umm, it means, uhh, umm, hat. Yeah, that's what it means, hat."

So then, the kid walks upstairs to his parents room, where his dad is taking a shower. But his dad accidentally slips on a bar of soap and yells, "OH SCREW!!"

The kid walks up to him and says, "Daddy, what does screw mean?"

The dad says, "Umm, uh, it means, uhh, cleaning. Yeah, cleaning."

So then he walks downstairs and sees his mom cutting turkey for dinner that night. She accidentally cuts herself and yells, "OH FUCK!!"

The kid says, "Mommy, what does fuck mean?"

His mom says, "It means, umm, uh, cutting. Yeah, cutting."

So then some friends come over for dinner. The kid opens the door and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and pussys? If you'd like to see my parents, my dad is upstairs screwing himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Little Johny

Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in mathematics.
“Why?” asks the father. “The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2 x 3?’, I said 6″ replied Johnny. “But that’s right!” says his dad.
“Yeah, but then she asked me, ‘How much is 3 x 2?”
“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said!” said Johnny.

Freshman

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach.

“I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. “Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?” The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.

“Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

Children

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Old man

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests. “Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test,” the doctor said.
The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, “Are you alright?”

“No” the old man said. “This just isn’t going to work.” he dejectedly explained. “There’s no hope for me, I’ve worn out my left hand, I’ve worn out my right hand, I’ve run cold water over it, and I’ve run hot water over it. I’ve even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!”

New secretary

Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman.
"Yeah," his buddy replied," she's gorgeous."
"Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."
"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"
"If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation.

If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you.

And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."
"Sounds perfect."
"l almost got hurt once, though."
"How?"
"Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener."

Miles

A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because

the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal. ""That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Flower

A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"

Mailbox

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

The three astronauts

One day there were three astronauts a blonde, brunnete, and a redhead eating out at Sonic.

The brunette said, "Hey you guys we were the first ones in outer space we should be proud of that," and they said, "Yeah, yeah we are."

Then they start to eat again when the redhead says "Hey you guys we were the first people on the moon we should be proud of that too." They said, "Yeah, yeah we are."

The blonde starts thinking and about one hour later she says, "You guys, you know how we were the first one in outer space and the first ones on the moon?" They said, "Yeah, so?"

"So," the blonde said, "We should be the first ones on the sun too."

The redhead says, "You crazy idiot, if we got within a 100 mile radius of the sun we would burn up and die."

The blonde replies, "You are the crazy idiot, we wouldn't go during the day. We would go at night."

Jujur

Sepasang kekasih yang hendak menikah sedang berbincang. Si Gadis berbisik pada kekasihnya, "Sekarang waktunya kita saling jujur agar kelak kita tidak kecewa."

Si Pemuda mengangguk. Gadis berkata "Sesungguhnya dada saya rata..seperti
Papan...kalau kau tidak suka katakan saja. Kita boleh batalkan pernikahan ini. Saya
sedia menghadapinya", kata gadis. Pemuda dengan lemah lembut menjawab, "Itu tidak masalah. Bagiku seks bukanlah hal yang penting. Tetapi cinta kasih" Gadis pun lega mendengarkannya. Saya juga perlu mengatakan sesuatu sejujurnya padamu.", jelas
pemuda. Gadis mengangguk tersenyum. "Sesungguhnya 'anu' saya seperti bayi...", kata pemuda. Sstt...sudahlah itu tidak penting. Bagiku seks bukanlah hal yang penting.
Tetapi cinta kasih.", sahut si Gadis. Pemuda pun lega mendengarkannya. Malam pengantin tiba. Gadis mula membuka baju dan nampaklah dadanya yang
memang..memang...benar-benar.. rata. Pemuda hanya tersenyum melihatnya.
Kemudian pemuda mula membuka seluarnya sehingga nampaklah 'anu'nya.
Melihat itu gadis menjerit dan pengsan. Setelah sedar si gadis bertanya, "Kau katakan 'anu'mu seperti bayi...?"
"Ye la memang seperti bayi,... panjang 50 cm dan berat 3 kg"

kek harijadi

Seorang lelaki telah pergi ke sebuah kedai kek untuk memesan sebiji kek sempena hari jadi isterinya. "Apa yang hendak ditulis pada kek ulang tahun ini, encik?" tanya si gadis manis yang bertugas di kaunter kepada lelaki itu.
"Mmmm, tulis saja "Sayang tidak bertambah tua" di bahagian atas, kemudian sambung dengan "Sayang cuma bertambah cantik" di bahagian bawah," kata lelaki itu.

Esoknya, lelaki itu datang mengambil kek yang ditempahnya itu dan terus membawa pulang ke rumah untuk dipersembahkan kepada isterinya yang tersayang di hadapan tetamu-tetamu yang lain. Dan ketika kek itu dibuka di depan isteri dan tetamu undangan yang lain, lelaki itu setengah pengsan ketika membaca tulisan yang tertera di kek itu:

"SAYANG TIDAK BERTAMBAH TUA DI BAHAGIAN ATAS. SAYANG CUMA BERTAMBAH CANTIK DI BAHAGIAN BAWAH."

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

Dumb and Dumber

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb."

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''

Good idea

There once was a very rich man who was very ugly. No one ever wanted to sleep with him, so he decided to drive around in his limo until he found somebody. Soon, he spotted a passed-out bum on the street. He quickly ran out, screwed the bum in the ass, left him fifty bucks, and drove off.

A few hours later, the bum woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Molson, drank them all, and passed out again.

The next day, the rich man returned, found the bum again passed out, screwed him in the ass, and left him a hundred bucks. Astonished by the money when he woke up, the bum bought two six-packs, drank them down, and passed out again.

The next day, the rich man did the same thing to the bum, but this time left him a hundred fifty bucks. When the bum woke up, he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Labatt's.

"Labatt's?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Molson."

"I know," said the bum. "But Molson makes my ass hurt."

Ubat sakit kepala

Seorang bos masuk ke opis dalam keadaan sakit kepala. Seorang staf memerhati keadaan bos nye, lalu bertanya,

"Kenapa bos? Nampak macam sakit jer.?"

"Yer la Semaun, kepala aku ni sakit sangat!" kata bos.

"Dua hari lepas saya pun sakit kepala jugak bos, tapi bila balik, isteri saya bawa ke katil, peluk dan mencium saya. Lepas itu kami melakukan seks. Habis saja kami bercumbu, sakit kepala terus hilang. Saya rasa bos pun patut buat macam tu jugak la?", terang Semaun.

"Betul ker? Kalau macam tu, mari kita jumpa isteri ngko sekarang!!!

Kisah penjual dan pembeli ayam

Ada satu cerita yang berlaku di pasar ayam di Selayang. Peniaga ayam ini nama dia Sudin. Dia jual ayam yang dibeli dari beberapa tempat. Ada pulak seorang pelanggan nama dia Hamidah. Dia ni pelanggan tetap ayam Sudin.
Kak Midah ni dok meniaga nasi dekat kedai berhampiran. Jadi hari-harilah dia beli ayam dari Sudin. Disebabkan dah setiap hari dok main dengan ayam, sampai Kak Midah dah kenal jenis-jenis ayam sebelum disembelih.

Antara ayam yang selalu dipilih oleh Kak Midah ialah ayam dari Bangi dan ayam dari Perlis. Selalunya ayam dari Bangi lah yang menjadi pilihan Kak Midah. Kalau tidak dia akan beli ayam dari Perlis sahaja. Kalau tak ada lansung dia tak akan beli ayam lain.

Kelebihan yang ada pada Kak Midah ialah dia boleh kenal samada ayam tu dari Bangi atau Perlis ialah dengan membelek punggung ayam tu. Selalunya Sudin akan campur semua ayam yang sampai dalam satu tempat. Jadi jenuhlah Kak Midah dok belek sekor-sekor nak cari ayam Bangi atau ayam Perlis.

Mula-mula Sudin tak kisah sangat dengan Kak Midah. Tapi lama-lama Sudin dah mula boring. Sebab Kak Midah ni customer tetap, Sudin pendam je bengang dia. Satu hari Kak Midah datang macam biasa dan terus belek punggung ayam nak cari ayam Bangi. Habis semua ayam dibeleknya. Tak ada satu pun ayam Bangi atau ayam Perlis.

Jadi Kak Midah pun panggil Sudin dan tanya,

Kak Midah : Din! Ayam Bangi tak ada ke ?.

Sudin : Tu ada dalam tu. (Yang sebenarnya tak ada sebab lori ayam Bangi terbalik dekat Tanjung Malim)

Kak Midah : Hang toksah dok bohong. Kak Midah dah tengok dah, semua ayam dari tempat lain.

Sudin : Ayam Perlis ada. (Yang sebenarnya pun tak ada sebab lori rosak dekat Nibong Tebal).

Kak Midah : Hang ni, Kak Midah kata tak dak, tak dak la. Hang ingat Kak Midah tak kenai ke ayam-ayam tu. Bukan sehari dua Kak Midah dok main dengan ayam.

Sudin : Kak Midah ni memang teror lah, punggong ayam pun dia boleh kenal.

Kak Midah : Baru hang tau siapa Kak Midah. Pakar tengok punggong ayam. (Lalu blah sambil tersenyum walau pun tak dapat ayam hari itu)

Kemudian sampailah nak dekat Hari Raya.

Kak Midah macam biasalah nak belek punggong ayam. Sudin tengok Kak Midah, bengang je rasa macam nak bertempik dekat Kak Midah sebab orang terlalu ramai dan sesak pada masa tu. Kak Midah perasan yang Sudin memang bengang kat dia. Sambil Sudin dok bersihkan ayam Kak Midah, Kak Midah cuba ambil hati Sudin.

Kak Midah : Din! Tak balik raya ke tahun ni.

Sudin : Tak!!! (Bengang)

Kak Midah : Famili ada kat sini ke ?.

Sudin : Tak dak!!

Kak Midah : Habih tu raya dengan siapa ? .

Sudin : Raya sorang-sorang.

Kak Midah : Kalau Din tak balik kampung mai lah rumah Kak Midah.

Sudin : Tak pa lah, terima kasih je lah.

Kak Midah : Dah lama kita kenal, kak tak tau pun kampung Din. Kampung Din kat mana?

Sudin : (Diam)(Buat tak dengar)

Kak Midah : Kak tanya ni, kampung Din kat mana ?.

Sudin : (Masih diam) (Tiba-tiba Sudin naik atas meja lalu membuka seluar dan menonggeng ke arah Kak Midah sambil berkata.....). Kalau Kak Midah teror cuba Kak Midah belek punggong saya dan teka saya berasal dari mana ? .

Kak Midah : (Ambil ayam dia dan terus blah)

Kambing dan Ayam

Kambing dan ayam adalah kawan baik. Mereka berkawan sejak mereka baru dilahirkan lagi. Pada suatu hari,ayam telah menghiaskan dirinya dengan menyangkut manik-manik yang berkilauan pada setiap helaian bulunya. Tajinya diasah sehingga berkilauan dan berjalanlah ia menuju ke kediaman kambing. Tiba di kediaman kambing, ayam pun menyapa sahabatnya itu.

Ayam: Kambing, pekabo?

Kambing: Baik. Wah,ayam. Bukan main lagi kau. Kau nak ke mana hensem-hensem ni.

Ayam: Takde ke mana. Sesajalah nak tengok riaksi engko.

Kambing: Tapi kan ayam, macam mana pun ko berhias, ko jalan tetap kaki ayam,kan?

Ayam: Ko kutuk aku ye. Ko pun apa kurangnya.

Kambing: Apa?

Ayam: Nampak macam alim. Bela janggut. Tapi telur nampak...

The three man

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 fruits of the same kind. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king" I brought 10 apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second man arrives and shows the king his 10 fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.. on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, and therefore was also killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked" why did you laugh, you almost got away with it".

The second one replied "I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy brought . . . watermelons."

Kidnapper

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.'' She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $15,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $15,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''

Politics

A son asks his father, “What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.” The father thinks a little and says, “OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Lets say that Im a capitalist because Im the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?” The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I dont know, but Ill think about what you said.”

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brothers crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parents bedroom and found his fathers side of the bed empty and his mother wouldnt wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.” “Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?” The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the futures full of crap

Lawak bodoh

Tiga lelaki, seorang ahli falsafah.. seorang pakar matematik dan seorang pelawak ditangkap
atas kesalahan mengendap itik buat projek…
Lalu hakim berkata..
“kamu boleh menanyakan satu soalan kepada ku.. kalau aku dapat menjawab.. kamu akan ditahan
di penjara.. tapi kalau aku tidak dapat menjawab… kamu akan dibebaskan..

Ahli Falsafah mula berkata..
“Saya mahukan Yang Arif membawa sebuah buku falsafah yang lengkap dari Socrates.. Jika Yang
Arif berjaya membawanya.. saya rela dihukum…”.

Lalu Hakim mengarahkan pekerjanya pergi mencari buku yang diperkatakan.. lalu buku itu di
berikan kepada ahli falsafah untuk di sahkan…
“Ya benar sekali ini lah bukunya yang Arif…”
Lalu Ahli Falsafah dipenjarakan…

Kemudian giliran pakar matematik mengajukan pertanyaan…
“Cuba jawab 1253*254-45557+(5454*25451) dalam masa 5 saat..”.
Sambil menekan kalkulator dengan pantas.. Hakim memberikan jawapannya.. dan ternyata tepat..
Lalu Pakar Matematik pun dipenjarakan..

Giliran terakhir pergi kepada pelawak..
“Berikan saya sebuah kerusi yang mempunyai 7 lubang ditempat duduknya!”. kata si pelawak..
Apabila kerusi disediakan.. pelawak itu duduk dan tiba-tiba melepaskan kentut yang kuat..
Lalu dia berdiri dan bertanya kepada Hakim..
“Yang Ariff.. dari lubang mana kentut saya tadi keluar?”

Setelah membelek kerusi dan melihat lubang yang berada tepat dibawah punggung si pelawak tadi..
hakim berkata…
“Kentut mu keluar dari lobang yang ketiga dari sebelah kanan ini..”.

“Salah!!!” Sebenarnya kentut saya dari lubang punggungku ini !!!”.
Pelawak itu kemudian dibebaskan.

Businessman

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

A farmer and A boy

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

TEST

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

MONEY

A man, who loved money more than just about anything, said just before he died to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. When he died she did what she had promised, came over with the money box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him. "You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

UNDERCOVER DETECTIVE

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

POOR GUY

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

911 EMERGENCY NO

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

LAST REQUEST

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

WHAT'S IS A NAME!!!!

Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!"

"Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!"

Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!"

"You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.

The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!"

Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now Dick."

AIR INDIA

Jarjitsing uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.

The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.

"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

"What is it?" asked the American.

"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle.

"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.

The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

STUPID QUESTIONS

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

THE BLIND BEGGAR

I have a friend who just doesn't seem to run out of funny stories. Although this story is simply a humorous one, it is not intended to hurt anyone - but it is simply related to provide humor.
The setting is in one of the poor countries in the world. A passerby appended to walk around a corner of a street where a blind beggar was waiting - begging for alms. The passerby simply took a coin from his pocket and tried to toss the coin to the beggar's hand.
Unfortunately, the coin did not land on the beggar's hand and it simply landed on the cemented pavement and it rolled a certain distance. To the amazement of the donor, he saw the beggar crawl precisely following the coin. The beggar got the coin without difficulty locating the money.
So the passerby confronted the beggar, "Why are you begging when you are not really blind?"
Surprised that he had been caught, the beggar replied, "I'm sorry, I am just a proxy for the day."
"So where is the real beggar?", the passerby continued.
The proxy beggar simply replied, "This is his off day today, so he went to the movies."

Buletin Utama

Berita Utama

Wartawan: Karam Singh Walia (KSW)

Dalam satu kajian yg dijalankan, didapati bahawa kaum wanitadianggap lebih kuat dari kaum laki-laki. Ini telah dibuktikan oleh seorg prof.

Prof: Bukti kaum wanita lebih gagah dr kaum laki-laki ialah wanita mampu mebawa dua buah gunung seorang tetapi laki-laki hanya mampu membawa dua bijik telor,itupon dgn bantuan seekor burung.

KSW: Bak kata pepatah, Jinak2 burung merpati,jinak lagi burung sendiri,Burung merpati dipegang lari, burung sendiri dipegang berdiri. Sekianberita dari KSW.

POOR GUY

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

kembar

Empat orang bakal ayah sedang menunggu kelahiran bayi mereka diruang rehat sebuah hospital. Kegelisahan jelas diriak muka mereka…

Seorang jururawat keluar dari bilik pembedahan lalu berkata kepada lelaki yang pertama, “Tahniah! Isteri Tuan selamat melahirkan anak kembar dua.”
“Kembar dua! Kebetulan pula, saya bekerja di menara berkembar Petronas,” kata lelaki yang pertama dengan riangnya.

Beberapa minit kemudian, seorang jururawat lain datang memberitahu kepada lelaki kedua, “Isteri Tuan selamat melahirkan bayi kembar tiga. Tahniah!”
“Apa? Kembar tiga! Saya bekerja dengan 3D Corporation, kata lelaki yang kedua.

Setengah jam kemudian, seorang jururawat memberitahu kepada lelaki ketiga, “Tahniah! Isteri Tuan selamat. Tuan dikurniakan anak kembar empat” kata jururawat itu dengan tenang.
“Kembar empat! Sungguh saya tak menduga kejadian ini, saya pula bekerja di Four Season Hotel,” kata lelaki ketiga dengan gembira.

Lelaki yang keempat mula mundar-mandir kegelisahan. Ketiga-tiga lelaki tadi berasa hairan melihat keadaan lelaki keempat itu. Mereka bertanya,
“Apakah yang merunsingkan awak?”
Dengan perasaan gelisah dia menjawab “Saya bekerja di Seven Eleven.”