Last day present

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Emergency appoitment

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in.

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

Be Careful What You Teach Your Kids

A kid is walking around his house when he sees his dad watching a football game. The team his dad wants to win is losing, so out of anger, he yells, "C'MON YOU BASTARDS, JUST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN!!"
The kid doesn't know what bastards are, so he says, "Daddy, what does bastards mean?"

His dad didn't want to admit to his son that he had cursed, so he said, "Umm, it means, umm, uh, boys. Yeah, it means boys.

Then he walks into the room across the hall and sees his mom watching women's basketball. His mom's team is losing, so she says, "C'MON YOU BITCHES, JUST SCORE A BASKET!!"

The kid doesn't know what that means either, so he says, "Mommy, what does bitches mean?"

The mom says, "Umm, it means, umm, uh, girls. Yeah, that's what it means, girls."

So the next day, the kid's dad walks in from work and puts his coat on a coat rack. Because of his stupidity, the kid's dad pokes his eye on the coat rack and yells, "OH DICK!!"

The kid comes up to his dad and says, "Daddy, what does dick mean?"

The dad says, It means, umm, uh, coat. Yeah, it means coat.

So then the kid walks into the kitchen where his mom is painting. She accidentally leans over her painting too far, and her hat falls off her head and gets smothered with paint. She yells, "OH PUSSY!!"

The kid says, "Mommy, what does pussy mean?"

The mom says, "umm, it means, uhh, umm, hat. Yeah, that's what it means, hat."

So then, the kid walks upstairs to his parents room, where his dad is taking a shower. But his dad accidentally slips on a bar of soap and yells, "OH SCREW!!"

The kid walks up to him and says, "Daddy, what does screw mean?"

The dad says, "Umm, uh, it means, uhh, cleaning. Yeah, cleaning."

So then he walks downstairs and sees his mom cutting turkey for dinner that night. She accidentally cuts herself and yells, "OH FUCK!!"

The kid says, "Mommy, what does fuck mean?"

His mom says, "It means, umm, uh, cutting. Yeah, cutting."

So then some friends come over for dinner. The kid opens the door and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and pussys? If you'd like to see my parents, my dad is upstairs screwing himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

New secretary

Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman.
"Yeah," his buddy replied," she's gorgeous."
"Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."
"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"
"If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation.

If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you.

And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."
"Sounds perfect."
"l almost got hurt once, though."
"How?"
"Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener."

Dumb and Dumber

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb."

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''

Good idea

There once was a very rich man who was very ugly. No one ever wanted to sleep with him, so he decided to drive around in his limo until he found somebody. Soon, he spotted a passed-out bum on the street. He quickly ran out, screwed the bum in the ass, left him fifty bucks, and drove off.

A few hours later, the bum woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Molson, drank them all, and passed out again.

The next day, the rich man returned, found the bum again passed out, screwed him in the ass, and left him a hundred bucks. Astonished by the money when he woke up, the bum bought two six-packs, drank them down, and passed out again.

The next day, the rich man did the same thing to the bum, but this time left him a hundred fifty bucks. When the bum woke up, he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Labatt's.

"Labatt's?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Molson."

"I know," said the bum. "But Molson makes my ass hurt."