Dad's Fat

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom says, "Why?!?"

And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

3 babies talking.

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.

The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!"

The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!"

And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad?
How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

Smart kids

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ' cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

"For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us."

"And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Be Careful What You Teach Your Kids

A kid is walking around his house when he sees his dad watching a football game. The team his dad wants to win is losing, so out of anger, he yells, "C'MON YOU BASTARDS, JUST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN!!"
The kid doesn't know what bastards are, so he says, "Daddy, what does bastards mean?"

His dad didn't want to admit to his son that he had cursed, so he said, "Umm, it means, umm, uh, boys. Yeah, it means boys.

Then he walks into the room across the hall and sees his mom watching women's basketball. His mom's team is losing, so she says, "C'MON YOU BITCHES, JUST SCORE A BASKET!!"

The kid doesn't know what that means either, so he says, "Mommy, what does bitches mean?"

The mom says, "Umm, it means, umm, uh, girls. Yeah, that's what it means, girls."

So the next day, the kid's dad walks in from work and puts his coat on a coat rack. Because of his stupidity, the kid's dad pokes his eye on the coat rack and yells, "OH DICK!!"

The kid comes up to his dad and says, "Daddy, what does dick mean?"

The dad says, It means, umm, uh, coat. Yeah, it means coat.

So then the kid walks into the kitchen where his mom is painting. She accidentally leans over her painting too far, and her hat falls off her head and gets smothered with paint. She yells, "OH PUSSY!!"

The kid says, "Mommy, what does pussy mean?"

The mom says, "umm, it means, uhh, umm, hat. Yeah, that's what it means, hat."

So then, the kid walks upstairs to his parents room, where his dad is taking a shower. But his dad accidentally slips on a bar of soap and yells, "OH SCREW!!"

The kid walks up to him and says, "Daddy, what does screw mean?"

The dad says, "Umm, uh, it means, uhh, cleaning. Yeah, cleaning."

So then he walks downstairs and sees his mom cutting turkey for dinner that night. She accidentally cuts herself and yells, "OH FUCK!!"

The kid says, "Mommy, what does fuck mean?"

His mom says, "It means, umm, uh, cutting. Yeah, cutting."

So then some friends come over for dinner. The kid opens the door and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and pussys? If you'd like to see my parents, my dad is upstairs screwing himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Children

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.