How old

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

NIce Bike

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Fantasi

Seorang Nurse, Ratna menahan teksi. Sedang dalam perjalanan... Pemandu teksi iaitu Feddy asyik memerhati Nurse itu melalui cermin tengahnya..Merasa kehairanan... Nurse itu bertanya...

Encik.. kenapa encik melihat saya begitu ??

Feddy tersenyum malu dan berkata...
Sebenarnya... saya selalu berfantasi....maaf ya... saya sangat ingin mencium seorang Nurse...

Oh begitu!! tak der masalah... encik boleh mencium saya.. kalau itu memang memberikan ketenangan buat encik... tapi saya ada syarat iaitu encik mesti masih single kata Nurse...

Feddy gembira dan berkata...
iya...iya, saya masih single.

Kemudian teksi itu diberhentikan di jalan sepi... Feddy terus mencium nurse itu selama 10 minit... kemudian mereka pun meneruskan perjalanan kembali.

Tapi feddy menangis teresak-esak sambil berkata...

Maafkan saya cik... saya merasa bersalah... sebenarnya saya sudah berkahwin.

Mendengar penerangan itu Ratna tersenyum bijak dan berkata...

Sudahlah encik... tidak ada apa-apa yang perlu di bimbangkan... Saya juga bersalah. Saya juga bukanlah seorang Nurse... saya adalah seorang Mak Nyah yang kebetulan dalam perjalanan menuju ke pesta pakaian beragam


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Berus Gigi

Pada suatu pagi yang agak2 indahle, seorg ayah@abah@bapa memanggil anaknya , si bapa tu tanya kat anak dia kalau man marah kat ayah , man wat apa ? ,lalu si anak tu menjawab man akan cuci jamban ... dengan perasaan yang nak tau sesangat lalu die tanya lagi, knape plak man cuci jamban? ...man 2 pun jawab le dgn selamba sebab man cuci jamban pakai berus gigi ayah yg dah hmpir 5 thn ayah gune..


lawakjenaka.com

Breakfast

Kisah ni terjadi kat sebuah restoran yg agak ekslusif. 4 orang mamat nak order fevret fud memasing..

waitress: Order pleasee...

Sulaiman: gv me briyani rice..

Kamarulzaman: i want chinese fried rice..

Affendy: bagie aku chicken rice

Yaacob: Aku nak Kampong Fried rice..

waitress: Ok sir.. and you?

mustafakamal: arr.. err..GIVE ME .. RICE COOKER!!

Lawakjenaka.com

kain Tersepit

Sorang husband balik dari outstation dgn mata lebam kiri dan kanan.. Bila bini
dia tanya, katanya masa kat escalator airport, sorang awek cun berskirt di
depan dia. Elok je depan mata dia, skirt awek tu tersepit gak kat celah ponggong
dia, so, dengan baik atinya, dia tarik le . so, awek tu bengang, terus tumbok
dia

Debuk lebam nombo 1 kat mata kanan. Dalam ati dia kata mungkin awek ni
marah sbab aku tarik kain dia tadi so, dia pun tolak le balik kain tu
masuk dan seterusnya debuk untuk lebam ke2 di mata kiri

Kesian kan? dan lepas husband ni abis bercerita, idung dia plak berdarah dan
patah kerana ditumbok oleh bini dia sebab baru tau laki dia menggatal.

Lawak Jenaka.com

The young business man

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."